And another day of my perfect life. I love him so much he... (yeah it's about him again.. goddammit) He's having a lovely night while I'm being a perfect lonely sailors girl. Today was definitely one of the down days. Another evening spended in company of my lovely tears. I'm just pathetic. I hate this so much. I wanna go smoke something, anything, as long as I'm ruining my life. Just for this moment.. because then this day is over and tomorrow I can be smiling again.

Men I always write this blog when I'm down. In real life I don't act like a crybaby or anything! Most of the people I know don't even know about my past, about caroline, about what happened after that, about what happened with my family, how I've changed mostly because of them.

Anyway. No one knows everything about my past. I was always pretty good at hiding my emotions, my tears, everything. So I'm going to use my gift again. I'll hide it all.

Have a lovely evening everyone. And always remember,

3 days ago, my birthday.. What a day.. I had my first lesson driving a car. How nice. And no one got hurt !! I was actually pretty good! Anyway..

There are some problems in my lovely life once again. More about that later, first: remember when once of those honey-bees add me again? Well yesterday I had a conversation with her, and it actually went kind off well.. We just talked, and gossiped about all kind of stuff. Though I'm still sure I don't want her close to me again. Just superficial friendship I guess. She was gossiping about her friend, who wasn't her friend any more for like two days. And it was kind of nasty of her to talk about that friend the way she did to me. So yeah, I don't want her close to me any more. Those days are gone.

And I'm really scared the days with my boyfriend are gone as well.. I mean.. everything is still going great, he is the best boyfriend ever and stuff, but he's planning to go away for another 4 months when he's home for like a month or 2.. When I met him, we had like 2 months together, then he went away for 2 months, then he was home 2 months, now he is away for 4 months, when he get back he'll be home for 2 months and then again leave for 4 months.. (Probably), because it's not 100% sure yet.. But I mean.. GOSH.... I knew it when I met him, but that it would be this often I didn't realise.. Since we are together I've spend more time alone, instead of spending time with him. And I know it's not gonna change, so I have to figure out if I can deal with it.

I mean, he's already used to it. It's his life! And that's kind of hard to accept to, I feel like he's dealing it so easily, Besides, I thought I was getting used to it to, but I'm not at all.

Today was absolutely a lowlife moment. I'm feeling sick as hell, haven't heard from my boyfriend in 5 days now.. had another fight during diner with my family, and to finish the lovely day my grandma started to whine about me going offline when she came online. Like: ???? She never spoke to me when I was online, because she was always talking to my mom, and all of the sudden I ignored her... ??? Everybody of my family thinks negative about me these days. And I didn't even do anything!

I know why my grandma is reacting like that. She probably talked to my mother for hours about how I've changed, and how difficult to handle I became, or something shitty like that. I'm sorry grann, but I really think I'm adopted or something like that. So maybe that's why. Besides I'm evil right? Insane, loco, lunatic. Well: What the hack?

The fact that my head is exploding, my stomach is twisted, my whole body hurts and that I haven't heard from him, is not helping either.

I just got out of the shower, and that's when my whole lowlife day ended perfect. I really was suicidal for a second. I wanted to jump out of the window or something like that, but I thought that's probably only going to give me a broken leg and a lot of trouble afterwards. Then I thought about crossing the road, just before a truck passed by. Well that's a shame for the driver, I didn't want to give him/her a guilty feeling or something like that. Then I came up with the idea of taking an overdose. Well that's not an option either, I didn't have any pills. The only thing I could come up with was just burning myself. Well that ended out wrong. I turned the shower at the max. heat, and it only burned my back and shoulders. Ow I totally forgot to mention the cutting your wrist option. Well I don't do that anymore. Besides, I didn't really wanted to die, I just wanted to hurt myself pretty bad or something.. To feel something that I know for sure is real.

Well anyway. Lowlife moment is over. I ended up with a burned back, a broken heart and no family. I really just want to get out of here. I also decided I don't want to celebrate my 18th B'day. Just for friends. No family. The whole year they are ignoring me, pretending that they care and this one day they all act like they love you all of a sudden. Well I don't need that bullshit. So that's why I'll celebrate it just with my friends. I just wish my boyfriend was there to. I miss him so much...

Hello there bloggers, from now on, I only have to wait for another 2 months and 2 days. It's been 1 month and 2 weeks now. So we're almost there. Keeping it positive. Haven't heard from him in a while, guess he's not really thinking about me because he's to busy with all his luxury. Wouldn't blame him, I mean, I would also be busy all the time when I would ever be in such a paradise.

Guess I can't stand the fact that he has already seen so much of the world, while I've only been in England, Belgium, Luxembourg and France. Oh, don't forget the one day in Berlin, Germany. Ok ok, I've also seen some places, but C'mon! Everyone around me has been to Disneyland at least once, I haven't. Friends of mine gone to Egypt, Thailand, Australia, Portugal, Morocco, Italia, Turkiye, Mexico, Canada... and much more.

Anyway.. I'm gonna drop the subject. When I'm done with school, I'll travel the world. I'll get there. Just gotta make some more patience.

Xoxo. The girl on tour